I am a big fan of my adult kids. I really am. If I wasn’t their parent I would surely want to be their friend as they turned out to be really fun, creative, decent people. (on a side note– I am really glad too since my mother constantly told me I would reap what I had sown as a kid when I had my own– it just wasn’t true). I guess I find myself taking stock once again in my life and my children’s lives because my youngest just graduated from college.
I felt like whew… I made it; four well adjusted children Amber-28, Heidi-26, Noah-23 and Grace-22 (today). But really it goes beyond just making it – I was very intentional in the way I raised my kids. It started when they were in the womb, I read and planned and prepared for the kind of mother I would be. I took my role very seriously and at times was probably obsessed with parenting. I learned a few things along the way-things I might share in a blog post when I have time. But for now I will say three things count most: consistency, balance, and direction.
Consistency
Consistency in the way you parent and the values you have established as a family (which means you need to talk as a family about 
what those values are and are not.) You need to have clear messages for your kids in terms of what is allowed, what aligns with the family mission and what is not allowed and the consequences of doing what is not allowed and then consistently follow through. This means when guests are over, when you are on the phone, when you are dog tired and when you are on vacation– family rules and consequences still apply. In our house there was intense follow through and discipline with love, mixed with the pursuit of wildly creative learning journeys, lots of laughter and fun. I allowed on occasion jumping on the bed, pretending to be a dalmatian for weeks on end (complete with costume- I had an actress in the making), the disassembling of household gadgets, dissection of roadkill, and glitter everywhere from constant use (art and music were a part of growing up in my house.) I didn’t allow the intentional hurting or disrespect of anyone, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or behavior that didn’t align with our family values.
Balance
If there is a secret to living well I would have to say for me it is balance. When I have it- life is good, when I don’t- not so much. And that carries over to parenting as well. I have made it an intentional choice to govern myself in terms of not being too strict, too lenient, to serious, too silly — you get the idea. I wasn’t always successful but it did give me a guide, a framework to work within. Like the lines on the road when you are first learning to drive–line the car hood ornament up with the guideline and you are ok.
I have found that if you are too controlling you become a dream and passion squisher and if you aren’t controlling (high expectations) enough you produce mediocrity. I wanted each of my kids to find a sport, a musical instrument, 
or a visual art through which to make sense of the world. And from those wild pursuits came their passion. When Amber, at 5years old, wanted to become a paleontologist, we provided all the tools and books necessary to start exploring that passion. When Noah at 18 told us he was going hiking and camping in subzero weather we made sure he had the equipment and know how to do so. Understanding how to help your kids live in the now and making that as important as preparing for their future is critical in my opinion. I wanted my children to feel throughout their childhood that what they did now (who they were) as children, was just as important as what they would do (who they would become) as adults.
Direction
Success in life is not about intentions as much as it is about direction. Know your path with the kids- plan it, see it, then implement it. Make sure your kids know the path. You will revise constantly along the way– but follow the path consistently and you will arrive.
I remember sitting in my living room. Amber was 22 at the time and had graduated top of her class a year earlier and we were talking about how thankful she was that I encouraged her to work through college rather than get school loans. She was also appreciative of 
the direction we charted with internships. She noticed that many of her classmates were working in restaurants and not in the field of art (their degree) while she was working for a Fortune 500 company in her chosen field. She thanked me for helping to make our family such a highly successful family. I remember choking on her words. I looked at her in disbelief — “Do you really think we are?” I had seriously never considered we had arrived. I mean it was the direction I had set but I was always so busy doing the work I had never thought to consider when we had arrived.
So I guess that is where I am today–considering the fact that we did make it. The path paid off. I am not trying to be arrogant or a braggart– but we do have a highly successful family. And I am firm in my belief it came about because of consistency, balance, and direction.
Zombies
Ok so I know you are wondering– where do the zombies come in? For some wild reason zombies have become part of our family culture. I mean it isn’t a serious thing but it is definitely a part of who we in funny little ways. For example- I have a safe room. It is a hidden room behind the bookshelves in the library. The whole time I was constructing it I told people it was a way to hide during the zombie apocalypse (which was a tiny bit real). It is very Harry Potter too (another part of our family) and part of my own fantasies as a child.
So here is Dean Shareski modeling my secret room.
Technology and Zombies
In an effort to remain true to the theme of the blog, I have to talk about technology, So here you go- Amber gets to present and create using social media at work often. She created this to encourage volunteering at work (Norfolk Southern Railroad), too funny– and yet again- the zombie theme surfaces.
Back to Grace’s Graduation
Sitting in the audience and texting back and forth with Grace who is hidden in a sea of graduates trying to find her. 
Finally she said, “Look at grad caps, you’ll find me.” I start looking at all the caps– “Thanks Mom and Dad” — no that isn’t her too plain. “Go Kappa something” no that isn’t her either– not her style. Hmmm where is she? Then I spot it.. and she was right. I knew exactly where she was sitting. Later I asked her, “How come other Moms got a thank you on their cap and all I get is a zombie?” To which she replies, “Because other Moms didn’t raise their kids to be creative, free thinkers.” I guess that said it all.
“Because other Moms didn’t raise their kids to be creative, free thinkers.”
I love it. I only hope some day on her graduation my daughter says something equally beautiful to me.
Thanks Laura. What a kind thing to say.
I do think that part of parenting is teaching them to give you specific feedback when they are little too. I modeled and intentionally taught them to say words of encouragement to each other. On birthdays for example we would do the birthday blessing. Where each of us would say specific things we appreciated about the birthday person– things that would blossom them as a person. It is a natural thing for our family to say these specific kinds of feedback/praise because we have taught them to do that as they grew up. However, I must admit- it does make it all worthwhile to hear it at this stage of the game.
I remember when Amber, my oldest graduated and Heidi, my second daughter got married- the cards they gave me with very specific praise as to what I had done right or as to what I had taught or instilled in them made me realize how important and special this way of doing things really was.
Thanks for commenting.
Having had the pleasure of knowing you and your family on even a very small level, you have a lot to be proud of and thankful for. It’s evident that your good parenting skills spill over in your work and vice versa. One of the reasons I truly value the work I do everyday is because it aligns so tightly with my beliefs as a parent and a person. Thanks for sharing. I’ll never tell what’s behind those doors….muaaaahhhhh.
Oh my– too funny. Thanks Dean. Your parenting skills aren’t too shabby either. Here’s to raising well adjusted, successful, caring kids!
Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing, your words are insightful, inspiring and encouraging.
Thanks Melinda! Do you have kids?
As my youngest daughter ( of 3 daughters!) looks forward to leaving home for University in a few months, I can fully empathise with your thoughts and insights above. I find it a constant miracle to watch my own children grow and become parents themselves, I also sit back on occasions and ponder how much of a job we have done in guiding and encouraging these excellent new adults…… Well done Mom!
Zombies……………………………….mmmmmm!
You had me at “Zombie!” Thanks for sharing the story!
I love this post. You are one amazing mom–congrats to Gracie, too.
As on early on in the parenting journey (my girls are 6 and 3) this post really hit me. Nothing you say here is shocking to me, but it is brilliantly written and such a powerful reminder.
Plus, the graphics your daughter did are hilarious.
Another amazing post you share with us. I’m not a parent myself but I have a niece and we happen to live together and I hope I can be a positive influence in her life in the future the way you have been for your kids. Not an easy task, though. As a teacher for more than 20 years now I believe our presence and consequent influence on our students lives is also something we must be very careful about. I think I have improved within the years and it reminds me of a song, as usual, “Children will listen”. One of my favorite lines “What do you leave to your child when you are dead, only whatever you put in its head…”.
Thank you again for the life lesson.
This post caught my eye since I adore kids and I recognize the importance of having balance in life. I also take my parenting role very seriously. I admit I have obsessed about it at times too. I can relate to your comments now that three of my six children have reached adulthood and my oldest is graduating from college. I agree that consistency, balance and direction are key. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Jeanette for sharing. I am happy you agree.